My Inability to Forgive

Hi Guys!!!!

So today I'm having a bad day.... A really bad one.... Have you ever had a problem that others tell you about and you yourself know that you have that problem but you're just too weak to fix it? Well that's me today... I know that my inability to forgive has ruined a lot for me from my previous intimate relationship to my relationship with my former best friend and I just don't know how to fix it... I just want everything to be okay again but it's not and I've given up hope on how to fix the problem... I feel myself drowning and everyone is telling me that they know I can swim but I just can't.... I hate feeling like this :( ...

Anyway I wrote this poem about a week ago and it expresses how I feel about forgiveness.... 

My 2015 new year’s resolution – Forgiveness

My dad’s words of wisdom, Carisa you must learn how to forgive

My mom’s advice that never seems to fade- Carisa Forgive and forget

But I do, don’t I?

Ok I don’t, Forgiveness is the blind area of my Johari Window.

But why must I forgive you for the one hundred and thirty nine times you hurt my though?

So that you could just do it again, I let you in and you take advantage just like it has always been.

My whole thing is why do something and then ask for forgiveness when it could have been avoided in the first place.

Isn’t that like stabbing somebody in their back and then smiling in their face?

Isn’t that like spitting in my tea and watching me drink it?

I think like my life would be better without forgiveness, I don’t want It complicated.

I give you chance you screw up, it’s on you, you put yourself in that predicament.

I don’t like disappointment; as a matter of fact I’m terrified of being disappointed

I like order I don’t ever want to feel disjointed. This is exactly why I don’t let anyone in

Because they take advantage and their disloyalties they spin

Experts and philosophers say when you forgive it’s really yourself that’s free

But those theories will not fly by me, what really are you free or escaping from?

I’m not dumb, I was never a prisoner of my unforgivness but rather a conqueror of your deceitfulness

A security at the wall of my own levelheadedness

I know people make mistakes but what makes me so different

While don’t I ever meet the disappointers on the equivalent?

Why can’t someone not be able to forgive me

I guess I’m too much of a goody goody.

Why can’t I be on someone’s unforgiveness list?

Mom and dad I can’t promise you forgiveness .